What’s in a lie?

If people are able to lie to themselves about their motives and such, and never be aware that they’re doing it, why can’t we lie to ourselves on purpose? Brad, at 20, could stay up all night and go to classes the next day, sometimes 2 nights in a row! And, he was working full time. In the nights he did go to bed, at 2:30, he’d tell himself it was 8 o’clock. How rested this made him actually feel the next day, I don’t know. He acted fine.

When I have to step out of the routine that I’ve built around us, I lose the ground under me just a little. Driving to a new town, taking a driver’s test, doing my taxes for the first time. It’s a little embarrassing. Brad has always done our taxes. I wanted to do them too, just to know that it wasn’t difficult, but it was easier for him to do them by himself. So after a failed home business in ‘06, I had to do them myself. I knew things in my paper work that Brad didn’t, and well, I was too proud to ask him to do my taxes. April was a particularly hard month, where I took on too many commitments, and then I got sick. I worried over it far too long. And then I got this idea that I could “lie” some confidence into myself. Why not? We lie to ourselves in order to get what we want, avoid guilt, make the world a happier place. One day I just decided to do it. I moaned to myself about what little concentration I have, what interruptions I have, until I worked myself into an awful mood. Then I just got up and did it. It took me two hours, two very interrupted hours, actually spanning about 4 hours’ time. But there! It was done!

What else have I not accomplished? How else have I held myself back? What’s keeping me from being a song writer? or a biographer? or finding someone to learn Spanish with me? My lack of confidence and excuse making are real killers. So if we lie to ourselves anyway, why not use it to our advantage?

“Georgia, your confidence is astounding! Your natural writing abilities are grossly underused, and if you don’t harness the quiet moments, say no to the piddly little goals that don’t matter to you as much, something terrible will happen!”

I know, they’re really just fancy affirmations.